I would argue that it just never existed! Let's be honest - the spontaneous passionate sex that happened when you were dating was far from spontaneous. When a couple is dating there could be days of foreplay, planning and preparation before engaging in "spontaneous" sex. Think of the pre-date romantic texts, phone calls, the flowers and attention to planning a special date to woo the object of your affection.
AND THEN there's the hours of grooming.
Remember when you used to make sure you had clean breathe before you knocked on her/his door in anticipation of a passionate kiss as soon as you embraced?
Now that you're married - if you're not investing the same time and energy into cherishing each other; turning off the television and your technology; getting off the couch to greet one another; taking time to text a nice "I love you" or "I can't wait to hold you in my arms" message - you're likely engaging in less than magnificent sex.
Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz says that desire and the quality of sex diminishes significantly when cherishing, time, attention and effort goes by the wayside.
If you want the pre-marital or early marriage days of "spontaneous" sex - then you need to put as much effort, interest, grooming, time, energy...as you did when sex was magnificent.
Great sex is NOT "spontaneous". Great lovers are MADE not born. Magnificent sex takes lots of time, devotion, intentionality, courage, openness, creativity, freedom to take chances, exploration and familiarity. Rather than focusing on increasing the quantity of sex you are having - perhaps try to increase the quality of sex you are having. Begin foreplay on Thursday for sex on Saturday.
Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz at the University of Ottawa studied couples who were having magnificent sex after 30 years of marriage. She found that the following eigth components were present in varying degrees with each of the couples in her study:
- Being present, focused, embodied through utter immersion and attention
- Prioritizing connection, alignment, merger, and being in sync through intimate engagement
- Creating time for deep sexual and erotic intimacy - inside and outside the bedroom
- Extraordinary communication and heightened attention and empathy or at least the desire for such
- Exploration, interpersonal risk taking and FUN by pushing the limits; being open; and willing to experiment
- Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited and transparent with someone watching you while also being able to be selfish, impulsive and free of cares.
- Surrendering to the experience by letting yourself be swept away
- Jumping off cliffs and knowing it while also feeling safe all at the same time.
- Creating the conditions for transcendence, bliss, peace, healing, and transformation by allowing time to just disappear (which means prioritizing time for sex).
Believe it or not - I would bet that most of these things were present when you were having "spontaneous" passionate magnificent sex. Without these components and when sex and your spouse are not prioritized it can create tension, disconnection, withdrawal and disappointment. Esther Perel wrote a book called "Mating in Captivity" to describe what it's like to have sex when the fun, passion, commitment is removed. She also describes ways to reconnect.
TOO MUCH time you say??? Relationship expert Terrence Real says: "Imagine if your lack of prioritizing each other led you to become single again. AND then think of all the time and energy required for you to find a new partner (all the texting, romantic dates, gazing into each others eyes). What if instead of coasting in your current relationship - you invest the time you did in the beginning throughout your time together. Now that would be MAGNIFICENT!!