My Approach to Relationship Counselling
The picture above is a sculpture by Alexander Milov called "Love" which was created for Burning Man. It features two wire-framed adults after a fight, distanced and sitting with their backs facing each other. We have all been wounded by life (some more than others and that is just dumb luck and not a reflection of you or your worth). Out of our woundedness we develop strategies for survival and those strategies often come out as challenging behaviours and/or distorted thoughts about ourselves and/or other people. Milov cleverly shows us this in his sculpture where two adults that might be in a disagreement have inner children that just want to be seen, understood, loved and connected with.
In 2011, despite over a decade of experience as a clinical social worker, I found myself doubting the effectiveness of traditional relationship therapy. I was thirsting for something more effective that could rejuvenate my work with couples, while also helping me to find more effective ways to understand and relate to others in my own life.
I was finding that very few of us possessed the skills and/or awareness to: stay grounded and embodied during a conflict, address conflict truthfully and with kindness; negotiate boundaries and self-esteem; and understand how past experience, trauma, family of origin, gender, race, ability, and class impacted how we saw ourselves and the people in our lives. We often seemed to feel wounded, misunderstood, judged and unappreciated while simultaneously failing to see how we were wounding, misunderstanding and lacking empathy and appreciation for others.
I was growing increasingly tired of the limited understanding traditional therapy, books, media, music, film and school offered regarding: various types and makeups of healthy relationships, sex, finances, gender, intimacy, pleasure, boundaries, pain, aging, sickness, poverty, wealth, conflict, job loss, equity, children, child/pregnancy loss, infertility, short/long term goals, forgiveness, how to cherish each other over time and most importantly how to stay AWAKE.
I wanted to learn how to help people and myself to: cultivate mutually empowering and respectful relationships, love and friendship; develop skills to resolve conflicts; appreciate opposing viewpoints; articulate values; work towards equity; enjoy pleasure and soften to pain; grow old without giving into ageist stereotypes; stay awake; broaden conversations about sex, gender, fidelity, monogamy, polyamory, open relationships, gender, healthy sexuality across at any age and ability; understand abuse, marriage, living together, sharing space, respect, empathy, self-esteem, boundaries, finances, children and more. And...if things are not repairable, how to separate with integrity and care.
My quest to become more inclusive and effective led me to complete numerous programs and workshops in: Relational Life Therapy (Terrence Real); Intensive Sex Therapy (University of Guelph); LGBTQ+ relationships and sexual health (Rainbow Health Ontario and AIDS Committee of Windsor); Infidelity (Esther Perel); trauma and relationships (Internal Family Systems Therapy, EMDR); Mindfulness Meditation (Michael Stone, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Saki Santorelli, Molly Swan, Norman Feldman, Jill Davey...) and attending bi-annual Munk Debates in Toronto to observe world-class debaters at their best and their worst.
I believe the vigorous mid-career training I have completed and continue to undertake, reflects my commitment to better equip myself with the strategies I need to help you transform your relationships from despair to profound understanding, respect, equity, and empathy. My approach is very skills based and interactive with lots of homework in between sessions. Please bear in mind that the most successful outcomes are directly related to the time/energy clients invest in-between sessions.
Because I am passionate about relationships and providing good therapy, I only work with people that are willing to commit to 3-6 months of weekly or bi-weekly sessions. Please note: if you are coming to see me so I can "fix" your partner, I am probably not a good match for you.
If you would like to get a head start, please begin listening to Esther Perel's podcast www.estherperel.com/podcast
In 2011, despite over a decade of experience as a clinical social worker, I found myself doubting the effectiveness of traditional relationship therapy. I was thirsting for something more effective that could rejuvenate my work with couples, while also helping me to find more effective ways to understand and relate to others in my own life.
I was finding that very few of us possessed the skills and/or awareness to: stay grounded and embodied during a conflict, address conflict truthfully and with kindness; negotiate boundaries and self-esteem; and understand how past experience, trauma, family of origin, gender, race, ability, and class impacted how we saw ourselves and the people in our lives. We often seemed to feel wounded, misunderstood, judged and unappreciated while simultaneously failing to see how we were wounding, misunderstanding and lacking empathy and appreciation for others.
I was growing increasingly tired of the limited understanding traditional therapy, books, media, music, film and school offered regarding: various types and makeups of healthy relationships, sex, finances, gender, intimacy, pleasure, boundaries, pain, aging, sickness, poverty, wealth, conflict, job loss, equity, children, child/pregnancy loss, infertility, short/long term goals, forgiveness, how to cherish each other over time and most importantly how to stay AWAKE.
I wanted to learn how to help people and myself to: cultivate mutually empowering and respectful relationships, love and friendship; develop skills to resolve conflicts; appreciate opposing viewpoints; articulate values; work towards equity; enjoy pleasure and soften to pain; grow old without giving into ageist stereotypes; stay awake; broaden conversations about sex, gender, fidelity, monogamy, polyamory, open relationships, gender, healthy sexuality across at any age and ability; understand abuse, marriage, living together, sharing space, respect, empathy, self-esteem, boundaries, finances, children and more. And...if things are not repairable, how to separate with integrity and care.
My quest to become more inclusive and effective led me to complete numerous programs and workshops in: Relational Life Therapy (Terrence Real); Intensive Sex Therapy (University of Guelph); LGBTQ+ relationships and sexual health (Rainbow Health Ontario and AIDS Committee of Windsor); Infidelity (Esther Perel); trauma and relationships (Internal Family Systems Therapy, EMDR); Mindfulness Meditation (Michael Stone, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Saki Santorelli, Molly Swan, Norman Feldman, Jill Davey...) and attending bi-annual Munk Debates in Toronto to observe world-class debaters at their best and their worst.
I believe the vigorous mid-career training I have completed and continue to undertake, reflects my commitment to better equip myself with the strategies I need to help you transform your relationships from despair to profound understanding, respect, equity, and empathy. My approach is very skills based and interactive with lots of homework in between sessions. Please bear in mind that the most successful outcomes are directly related to the time/energy clients invest in-between sessions.
Because I am passionate about relationships and providing good therapy, I only work with people that are willing to commit to 3-6 months of weekly or bi-weekly sessions. Please note: if you are coming to see me so I can "fix" your partner, I am probably not a good match for you.
If you would like to get a head start, please begin listening to Esther Perel's podcast www.estherperel.com/podcast
What to Expect from Relationship Counselling
These are a few of the outcomes you can expect from 3-6 months of weekly or bi-weekly relationship life therapy sessions with me:
- Empowered relationship from co-creating the conditions that allow for risk taking, telling the truth, mutual empowerment, asking for what each person needs/wants, and learning to meet each others demands.
- Full respect living by committing to and learning to respect both self and other at the same time.
- Identify and learn about losing strategies including: being right; controlling partner; unbridled self-expression; retaliation; and withdrawal.
- Cultivate winning strategies including: going after what you want; complaining constructively; responding generously; empowering your partner; and cherishing what and who you have.
- Learning how to give, receive, and respond to feedback using full respect living.
- Identify unhealthy boundaries (ie being boundarylessness or being walled off) and replacing them with healthy boundaries that strengthen and improve the relationship.
- Improve self-esteem and relationship esteem by learning to identify and work through individual esteem that "on a bad day" may be based in shame or grandiosity.
