Where did all the spontaneous ripping clothes off, having sex in your car because you can't wait to get inside the house, passionate love making go?

I would argue that it just never existed!  Let's be honest - the spontaneous passionate sex that happened when you were dating was far from spontaneous.  When a couple is dating there could be days of foreplay, planning and preparation before engaging in "spontaneous" sex.  Think of the pre-date romantic texts, phone calls, the flowers and attention to planning a special date to woo the object of your affection.        

AND THEN there's the hours of grooming.  

Remember when you used to make sure you had clean breathe before you knocked on her/his door in anticipation of a passionate kiss as soon as you embraced?  

Now that you're married - if you're not investing the same time and energy into cherishing each other; turning off the television and your technology; getting off the couch to greet one another; taking time to text a nice "I love you" or "I can't wait to hold you in my arms" message - you're likely engaging in less than magnificent sex.  

Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz says that desire and the quality of sex diminishes significantly when cherishing, time, attention and effort goes by the wayside.

If you want the pre-marital or early marriage days of "spontaneous" sex - then you need to put as much effort, interest, grooming, time, energy...as you did when sex was magnificent.  

Great sex is NOT "spontaneous".  Great lovers are MADE not born.  Magnificent sex takes lots of time, devotion, intentionality, courage, openness, creativity, freedom to take chances, exploration and familiarity.  Rather than focusing on increasing the quantity of sex you are having - perhaps try to increase the quality of sex you are having.  Begin foreplay on Thursday for sex on Saturday.  

Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz at the University of Ottawa studied couples who were having magnificent sex after 30 years of marriage.  She found that the following eigth components were present in varying degrees with each of the couples in her study:

• Being present, focused, embodied through utter immersion and attention
• Prioritizing connection, alignment, merger, and being in sync through intimate engagement
• Creating time for deep sexual and erotic intimacy - inside and outside the bedroom
• Extraordinary communication and heightened attention and empathy or at least the desire for such
• Exploration, interpersonal risk taking and FUN by pushing the limits; being open; and willing to experiment
• Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited and transparent with someone watching you while also being able to be selfish, impulsive and free of cares.
• Surrendering to the experience by letting yourself be swept away 
• Jumping off cliffs and knowing it while also feeling safe all at the same time.
• Creating the conditions for transcendence, bliss, peace, healing, and transformation by allowing time to just disappear (which means prioritizing time for sex).  

Believe it or not - I would bet that most of these things were present when you were having "spontaneous" passionate magnificent sex.  Without these components and when sex and your spouse are not prioritized it can create tension, disconnection, withdrawal and disappointment.  Esther Perel wrote a book called "Mating in Captivity" to describe what it's like to have sex when the fun, passion, commitment is removed. She also describes ways to reconnect.  

TOO MUCH time you say???  Relationship expert Terrence Real says:  "Imagine if your lack of prioritizing each other led you to become single again.  AND then think of all the time and energy required for you to find a new partner (all the texting, romantic dates, gazing into each others eyes).  What if instead of coasting in your current relationship - you invest the time you did in the beginning throughout your time together.  Now that would be MAGNIFICENT!!

Love, honour and cherish.  The three words we utter during a marriage ceremony and often the first three things to go in a relationship.  Perhaps when those words are uttered during a marriage ceremony the couple should receive an instruction guide that clearly explains what love, honour and cherish mean and how to commit to this everyday.   

Cherishing what we have is one of five winning strategies described by Terry Real in his book "The New Rules of Marriage".  The dictionary defines cherish as "protect and care for (someone) lovingly", "hold (something) dear", "keep a hope or ambition in someone's mind". 

In other words cherishing our partner and what we have is an active endeavor.  One that we need to prioritize in order to have a conscious relationship based on full-respect living.  It means having a marriage ceremony every day that we are in relationship. 

Of course my way of being cherished is not necessarily my partner's way of being cherished.  Which means we need to be identify by asking and observing our partner how they wish to be cherished.  Similarly we need to communicate what makes us feel cherished.  

I googled the top ten ways to cherish your partner and this is what I found: 

1.Be sensitive to his/her needs.  Know what they are and if you're not completely sure ask what they are and never ever think we've finished learning about our partner.  Their needs may change from day to day.

2.  Let our actions as well as our words show her/him that they are loved, respected and cared for.  Saying I love you isn't enough - find out how he/she likes love to be expressed and do whatever you to express love to him/her each day.  


3. Pay attention when the other is talking.  No distractions.  Eye contact is affirming and shows loving respect and consideration.  Let's have technology free time every day in order to make real time for real connection. 


4.  Be careful and considerate in our language.  Learn to give and receive feedback in a way that empowers your partner and your relationship.  Use Terry Real's feedback wheel and/or Marshall Rosenberg's "non-violent communication"

5.  Acknowledge each other's feelings and the "stories" we tell ourselves without having to defend.  Be there, listen and only provide advice if asked.

  
6.  Accept your partner's limitations without comparing them to others and making them feel ashamed for where they may fall short.  You might need to do a "relationship reckoning" which means:  do the things my spouse provide me outweigh the things they don't?  If the answer is no - then you might need to walk away.  If the answer is yes - then you will likely need to grieve what you are missing and do so in a way that does not involve shaming our partner.  

7.  Be faithful and loyal.  Decide that you won't violate your partners trust in any way even if tempted.  If you fall out of love and wish to be in another relationship - avoid hurting the other by ending your relationship before embarking on another one.  Unless of course you and your partner have agreed otherwise to have an open or polyamourous relationship.

8. Spend quality time together talking, laughing, playing and having fun.  Make pleasure and connection and playfulness a daily commitment. Remember wherever your time and attention is - that is also where your heart is.  If you say you love your partner and that he/she is the most important person in your life after yourself then prove it.  Actions speak louder than words.  Stop working until you drop, or prioritizing time with others at the expense of quality time with your spouse.   

9.  Become good lovers for one another.  Learn what the other wants, needs, enjoys.  Bring playfulness into your sex life.  Sex becomes boring when it is goal oriented (ie intercourse followed by organism followed by sleep).  Remember that porn is fiction, and if you want to view porn that may be less fiction - think of attending the feminist porn awards hosted by Good For Her in Toronto. 

10.  Be your partner's biggest fan.  Support him/her in their work and in their relationship with others.  Be with them in public. 

11.  Sorry I couldn't stop at 10.  BE A PARTNER.  Pretend you own a business together and consult with each other about decisions, plans, finances, social outings, vacations.  Do not commit you or your partner to something without discussing it with them.  Your priority is your partner and empowering your relationship.

12.  One more I promise.  Don't let anyone or anything come between you.   
Here are some more suggestions:  https://www.ministrymagazine.org/archive/1989/08/twelve-ways-to-cherish-your-wife

This weekend I and 39 colleagues across Canada and the United States observed Terry Real (www.terryreal.com) provide intensive couples therapy with 12 people who either were or had at one time been on the verge of separating/divorcing. 

I am grateful to the couples who agreed to let us be a fly on the wall watching them wrestle with issues from self-medication with alcohol, porn, shopping or work, to childhood trauma; and less than nurturing upbringings that were making intimacy a real challenge.

A couple I have been seeing for a little over a month jumped right in and signed up after their first week with me.  Terry worked with them on day 2.  I was admittedly nervous and each time they mentioned their therapist "Gisele" I made up stories in my head that "oh oh what did I say?  I hope it was relevant".   

The husband repeated one of my therapy stories about how his wife (who had recently discovered that he was self-medicating) was like Toto pulling the curtain and revealing that the great and powerful Oz was just a man behind a curtain. 

At the end of his session with them, Terry congratulated the couple and said he felt confident that although they were still on the "bunny hill" with respect to the self-medication issue and re-building trust and intimacy - that they appeared to be on a pretty solid path.  He even threw in a few fairly complimentary comments my way about the solid relational life therapy work I had done with them over the last month.

What the weekend triggered in me was how similar I was to the 12 brave souls working on their marriages.  I mean...all of them were competent successful people ranging from physicians to retired inventors. 

But lets be honest...like them...one minute I can be teaching a terrific yoga class or making people laugh during one of my workshops and the next minute an old wound can be triggered and I can go into "unbridled self-expression" or some level of self-righteous pouting because....wait for it....I'm not the great and powerful Oz - I'm just a human being human.   

What I've learned is that real intimacy is being able to show our flaws to our partner and have him/her show them to us....no masks, no great and powerful Oz just the person behind the curtain. 

...and

...because I love you and love me and love us...I vow to work real hard to replace my old losing strategies with winning strategies so that we can be strong enough and skilled enough to move from the bunny hill to the moguls. 

The first day of 2013 has almost come to a close.  My two weeks off work are nearly done and tonight I have begun to ease back into work by completing some minor paperwork. 
Truth be told I am excited about getting into a regular routine again, with a normal(ish) diet (ie no chocolate or baileys for breakfast).  ...AND...I look forward to resuming my regular(ish) yoga and meditation practice that often go out the window when I have time off. 
Tomorrow morning at 9:45 am I am substitute teaching a slow flow yoga class at the Walkerville Yoga Loft.  Although it is not my regular job, it will definitely be a gentle way to get back to work.   
BUT...as much as I am excited about a routine there is a part of me that feels sad about giving up having no routine, spending lots of time with family and friends and in particular all the fun times with my partner.  Then there is saying goodbye to the non-stop sleepovers, movies, popcorn, yummy treats, laughs, dinners and the playing silly games with my niece and nephew and my partner's grandkids...
So now as I finish day 1 of 2013, I remind myself very gently to just allow sadness and excitement to just BE and to co-exist by resisting the urge to push away or to grasp onto what I label as pleasant or unpleasant.  It truly is a moment to moment exercise in just living what Zorba the Greek coined (and Jon Kabat Zinn made famous) living the full Catastrophe.  Goodnight!

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